Dear Trees:

I understand the need to pollinate. Boy howdy, do I ever.  But must you do it so fervently and untargeted?

Reproduction is a beautiful thing, no doubt, and trees are an integral part of nature. I’m a big fan of the oxygen, for sure. My sinuses, unfortunately, are not amused by the constant bombardment of allergens. The Claritan I take, combined with my daily dose of meth, knocks me around like Shemp Howard in a prize fight.

I understand it is a hit-or-miss sort of thing, that pollen goes where pollen goes. However, do you really need to coat the neighborhood with your love dust? My Saturn may be pretty and green, but does it really need a coating of Silver Maple jizz? I think not.

Listen friends, I’m not asking you to evolve sexual reproduction. Heavens no! That would be silly, noisy and downright disasterous for the landscaping. But I am asking you to tone it down a bit.

Besides, any chance offspring you create, by all liklihood, will be eaten by deer or starve in competition with its parent tree. It is a fact of life that you well ought to realize.  If you want kids, we can always adopt or grow them in a more controlled setting.

I  am willing to take that step if you are.

Respectfully,

Greg